The Disorder that Isn’t a Disorder (Except that it Totally Is)

I forgot to post this from a while back!  I wrote an article in my school’s newspaper for Eating Disorder Awareness Week.  CW: disordered eating (obvs), weight loss.  Plain text follows the images below the cut.  Enjoy!

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My Own Independence Day

CW: diet talk, weight loss, profanity, disordered eating

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Me rocking a new winter coat that actually fits well and looks nice

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I quietly celebrated an important anniversary yesterday.  It’s been exactly one year since I gave up dieting and stopped trying to lose weight.  I had been resistant and afraid to do it, terrified that I would lose all control over my eating and constantly gorge myself on all the fatty, fried, and sweet foods I so desperately craved.  I felt like a crazy person around food and even thought that perhaps I was a food addict.  I used to hide my eating from those closest to me who I knew would disapprove: hiding candy in unlikely places (like my closet or behind books on a shelf), hiding myself in the bathroom to sneak my little treats.  I felt guilty and hungry and ashamed all. the. time.

A year ago, I was lying face down on my bed, sobbing uncontrollably, feeling like the most miserable life form in the universe.  I don’t even remember what set me off, if indeed, there even was anything.  I was so sick of dieting, so sick of constantly denying myself the pleasure of eating.  And most of all, I was just unbearably sad.  The ideal of the thin (or even the thinner) me seemed impossibly far out of reach, and getting further by the minute.  I had legitimately given it my best.  I have lost as much as 70lbs in a single go in my life, but without fail, it always comes back, and when it does, it brings along reinforcements. Continue reading

Rule of Life

As I prepared to make my final oblation as an oblate of St. Benedict, back in November 2013, one of the things I was required to do was to write a rule of life, adapting the principles of the Rule of St. Benedict to my own life.  I was pleased to see that one of the final projects for a spiritual formation class I’ve been taking this semester was composing just such a rule!  So much in my life has changed since I composed my first rule of life, and it was refreshing to sort of lay out some of the tangled strings of my being and make lists of things I want and don’t want in my life.  As I did so, I began to see patterns emerge, and five major components or paths or whatever began to solidify — Time, Health, Joy, Relationship, and Responsibility — so I decided to organize my rule around them, as centering principles of how I want to live my life.  And because I’m a creative, artsy type, it felt truest to myself to draw it out!  So here it is.  Perhaps it will be inspiration for you to draw (or write, or whatever) your own rule of life!

One thing that I love about this activity is that, although there is no specific branch dedicated to “spirituality,” faith, or religion, I can see the way my own spirituality flows all throughout it:  sabbath time, dance, care and love for my body, creativity, worship, community organizing, and even study are all fertile soil for meaningful encounter with the divine.

Day Hefner Rule of Life